


give your heart a holiday

by karass



Series: resfeber (after midnight) [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Idols, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Time Skips, kinda ig?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26047486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karass/pseuds/karass
Summary: Donghyuck can’t recall a time his world prevailed without Mark Lee. Sure, he sees the photographs from his childhood whenever he goes home to Seoul and remembers faintly of the school field trips he went on but it’s different. Snapshots of his youth a fading sepia, the ones of his days with him vibrant and full of life as a Monet painting.Wherein Donghyuck learns to move past the wonders of Mark Lee and forward with his life.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, past renhyuck but they’re now just bffies, we have mark and unmentioned gf but that’s sparse !, well
Series: resfeber (after midnight) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759624
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	give your heart a holiday

Donghyuck can’t recall a time his world prevailed without Mark Lee. Sure, he sees the photographs from his childhood whenever he goes home to Seoul and remembers faintly of the school field trips he went on but it’s different. Snapshots of his youth a fading sepia, the ones of his days with him vibrant and full of life as a Monet painting.

And for a long time, Donghyuck couldn’t imagine himself merely existing without Mark. It’s another case of one-sided love between two best friends just like the tales as old as time, one made for the books. He was desperate, holding on to the threads of a relationship that never quite existed. He was lost, merely floating in space like a desolate clump of dust.

☆

“So.. this is it?”

The way Mark says it makes it seem stand-offish and frigid, and most of all final. In a way, this might be their last conversation as best friends, for better or for worse, Donghyuck isn’t quite sure either.

“Yeah.” He forces out as they shuffle themselves out of his room, it’s truly empty now, there is nothing on the walls nor on the shelves. A hollow shell of what it used to be, gutted out from the inside and out. Donghyuck wants to feel sentimental but it’s hard to when his heart is pounding a million miles an hour and his fingers clenching a stack of letters with much apprehension and disquietude. “I suppose it is.”

“I just wanted to say thanks.” Mark mutters, his glasses are askew and his etiolated chestnut hair is pushed back as it always is. He’s gripping the folded sleeves of his cerise plaid shirt with much vigor, he’s got that shit-eating grin that he always has when they’re on the edge of something new. The taste of sheer excitement on the tip of his tongue, it’s evident in the gaze in his piercing amber eyes, ready to chase it with all that he has to offer.

“For what?” Donghyuck almost snaps, his words are taut and almost bitter, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to Mark, he wants to hold on to him for as long as he can, but he knows that it’s impossible to when the older man has a one way ticket to Vancouver, Canada from Incheon City airport due later in the evening.

“For the past twelve years, you dumbass.” Mark retorts in grievance, he shoves Donghyuck’s left shoulder like he always does before clamouring back to the handle of his maroon suitcase, his grip is tighter than usual and it feels like a kiss goodbye. “Thank you for being my best friend, being there for me and taking care of me.” 

Donghyuck keeps his mouth shut, he doesn’t know what to say, what to tell Mark that might make him stay, maybe written confessions don’t mean shit and that his words matter now might change everything. But Donghyuck will never know.

“Stay.”

“Hyuck, you know that I’m only going for a few months and I’ll be back for Johnny and Ten-hyung’s wedding.” Mark cackles in response, his eyes are glimmering and Donghyuck just wants to bury himself in a hole, the fact that Mark Lee has the audacity to chuckle during a time like this makes him scream within.

“I-“

“You’ll manage, trust me, you don’t need your annoying hyung anyways.” Mark attempts to mock the younger man as he tries to absorb the room for the last time, it isn’t his and it never was but in a sense, it’s almost become his too with all the time he’s spent in here. He tries his very best to search for remnants, shreds of prehistoric stickers and a spare sock collecting dust underneath the bed but there’s nothing. There are no traces of Lee Donghyuck and Mark Lee left in the room. “She’s waiting outside.”

Crickets, as usual, Donghyuck doesn’t want to hear her name in his mouth. 

“Hyung.” Donghyuck wants to whine, but he doesn’t because all he does is wrap his arms around the older. He inhales the scent of the cotton and fabric softener from the Mark’s neck as he savors the warmth that they share between them, knowing that it will be a while before they meet again. He wants to freeze this moment, when Mark elongates his own arms and places them around his back, capturing it within a snowglobe so that he can repeat it on days of dim and when he’s thinking of him. 

Love makes you do crazy things.

“Take care.” He tells him as he hands over the pile of envelopes, “This isn’t much but, read them when you can.” Donghyuck wants to pretend that his heart isn’t racing but he knows that this is all that he can think of for the next century. “Love you.”

☆

The boxes in Donghyuck’s room are barren and he’s sprawled like a starfish on his twin bed, begging for the cubes to magically fill themselves up with the items on the walls. Donghyuck doesn’t want to sift through the past 10 years and he doesn’t want to face the reality of his life. But he can’t, he’s been putting off all this for the past few days and every time he sees Doyoung, he can’t seem to hear the end of it either.

Johnny’s bed is tidy, of course it is, Donghyuck thinks. Johnny never sleeps in the room when Ten’s in Seoul, preferring to stay at the latter’s dorm. There are days when he takes this as a blessing, silence and solemnity as he curses out targets and shouts when he loses his online games or when he has to study for an approaching online exam. But there are weeks when he can’t sleep and all he can do is stare at the ceiling, hoping to see a sign, whatever that means. There are times where Donghyuck just wants to have someone by his side when Renjun is in China playing a role in another drama.

He knows that if he were to call Johnny to accompany him for the night, the older man would depart WayV’s dorm in a heartbeat and be there with him. But Donghyuck’s grown now, he’s grown to realize things that he would never have noticed in his youth. He now knows how much Johnny misses Ten during the long strenuous months they’re apart, he knows how burdensome it is to shield such a monumental part of his life from the world. 

Johnny and Ten have gone through their own set of troubles and worries, concerns that Donghyuck hasn’t had to face in his lifetime. So he gets it, he gets why they spend all their free time together when given the chance. Especially now that they’re engaged (The concept is still fresh and frankly bewildering in Donghyuck’s point of view) and soon to be married. Donghyuck knows it’s selfish to want Johnny here to listen to his worries, when that’s been his job for the past god knows how long. Afterall, who wouldn’t want to spend time with the one they love instead of listening to his quelms?

Donghyuck argues that he’s not evil by any means, he huffs as he begins to dismantle his closet. His clothes are already neatly separated and folded, he knows the dorm ahjummas must’ve done this for him. He knows how frequently they dote and spoil him in comparison to the rest, this must’ve been the final gesture. Well, that’s what Donghyuck assumes, he tries to think the best out of the things he’s handed. It started out as a game to play during the gruesome days on the road, when he’s tired out of his mind and ready to pass out. 

It’s not exactly an enjoyable thing, but it helps. So as Donghyuck pries apart the life that he’s built for himself, he attempts to reminisce the memories the objects around him contain. And this time, he puts himself head front with both the good and the bad. There’s a pair of ugly Birkenstocks that Jaehyun had bought him as a birthday joke a few years back situated in the back of his wardrobe, it’s a tantalizing sight but even the he knew that he couldn’t bear throwing out either. He still is incapable of chucking it out so he places it gingerly inside a plastic cover and inside a box. He’ll see it again when he unpacks his things. Donghyuck has never been one to find culminations within clothing, so he focuses on his shelf of knick-knacks. 

There’s a gaming console that’s long dead, he hasn’t touched it in years and hadn’t been able to get rid of either. The others joke that he’s become somewhat of a hoarder and Donghyuck can’t deny it either. However, this time, he picks it up and flings it to the bed. It falls, and crashes on to the floor creating a loud thud, he’s sure that he hears Jungwoo shriek a few rooms down. On a normal night he would’ve laughed but it’s not a normal night and he’s certainly not in the mood.

He finds a comic book that Kun got him during a trip to Mangwon-dong stuck between two ancient Math books from his highschool days, he ditches the textbooks and slides the Batman comic between his pile of sweaters. It’s not like Donghyuck has an individual box for them, afterall those were all the only books he personally owned. 

He saves his desk drawers last, specifically the one on the left that’s plastered with stickers that have faded beyond measure. Donghyuck wanted to peel them off with Chenle a while back before remembering he had used Gorilla Glue to stick them on when they first moved to this dorm. He pulls it open and he finds a file filled to the brim with paper, some withering, crumpled beyond measure and some fresh and new. They’re all letters, letters that no one will ever read. The recipients range from his mother to his vocal trainer. Most of them had two or three addressed to them, or perhaps only one.

The only exception being a singular person, they had 12, one for each year that Donghyuck has known him. He’ll be saying goodbye to these letters too tomorrow.

Donghyuck is aware that the world doesn’t revolve around him, but there used to be times he wishes that Mark Lee’s did.

☆

Donghyuck recalls the first time he met Mark. It had been a rainy day, his mother clutching the hood of his jacket fiercely, afraid to let go of her son in a city as daunting as Seoul. He now knows why she was so frightened, he would've been as well if he were in her shoes. He had been so young and unjaded, he didn’t understand the vigor of saying goodbye. He still is at times, though Donghyuck hopes he’s changed since then.

He vividly remembers arriving at the doorstep of SM Entertainment, eyes as wide as plates and his mouth agape as the display of idols and singers lined up on the hallways mesmerized him more than he thought possible. I’ll be on these walls one day. He had thought. He can’t believe that he was so naive, present day him would’ve scoffed at the kid. 

Saying goodbye to his mother was difficult but he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t cry, that he would abandon the teary eyed image he had crafted for himself as a child the moment he came to Seoul. So Donghyuck bites his lip in a bid to halt the cascade of droplets from his eyes as he waves goodbye to his mother and lets himself be led to another practice room.

He thinks this was the end of his childhood.

The room he was brought into was spacious and there were approximately 20 boys littering around the room, varying in height and age. There were a handful who looked about his age, gangly and skinny 14 year old boys who knew nothing about the world they were thrust into. At this point, Donghyuck wasn’t aware of the fact whether they were here on their own accord or on their parents. One of them wore glasses, he stuck out like a sore thumb, no one else did, they all either had fantastic eyesight or wore contacts. But not this one kid.

He’s about a few centimeters taller than him and if it weren’t for his warm brown eyes and blinding smile and strangely cuffed jeans, Donghyuck wouldn’t have spared him another glance. 

But being a 14 year old boy who hasn’t got a clue about the world, Donghyuck scowls.

Oh how he wishes he could turn back time.

☆

“Is that it Haechan?”

Admittedly, Donghyuck feels kind of bad for crashing at Johnny and Ten’s place, but he really didn’t have much of a choice.

Well, he could’ve stayed with Mark and his influencer (“What the fuck does that even mean?” He had remarked under his breath when he first met her for the first time, this time in Jeju’s local dialect to avoid anyone from understanding his annoyance.) girlfriend but Donghyuck would sincerely rather choose to stab himself in the arm than spend the next month on their couch as he begins the hunt for his own apartment.

“Yes.” He huffs in response, dragging his third and final suitcase into the guest bedroom of the humbling flat that Johnny and Ten had begun renting recently. There isn’t much to it but it’s evident that the walls will soon be filled with paintings and photographs from both of their collections.

Donghyuck knows this place will be far more homey than his future abodes will ever be despite it being a temporary place for the couple to stay at before they leave for New York in the fall. It still hasn’t hit him that he won’t be seeing Johnny as regularly as he used to. Donghyuck taps on the handle of his suitcase much to Ten’s annoyance, the rest of his things that he’s deemed irrelevant are in a storage unit somewhere in Itaewon, much to the latter’s relief.

“Well, that’s good, I thought you were going to tell us that you still had fifty cardboard boxes downstairs waiting to be brought up.” Johnny jokes, his eyes are bright and his smile ever glowing.

Donghyuck likes to think that Johnny’s much more relaxed and laid back now then he’s ever been. He’s not sure whether it’s the fact that the couple’s wedding is fast approaching or whether it’s just the effect of not having to keep their shit together for the sake of the media but, Donghyuck thinks it’s a good look on Johnny.

“Nah, I’m sure Ten would’ve had a seizure if I brought more than 5 pieces of luggage with me.” Donghyuck responds lightheartedly, waving his hand in an attempt to dismiss the fact that his accusation had caused Ten to scowl and fold his arms.

“You know he’s not wrong babe.” Johnny laughs as he squeezes Ten’s shoulders in a comforting manner, allowing the shorter male to tilt and lean his head with a smirk on his lips. 

“Ew.” 

“Oh grow up Haechan, you’re turning twenty five in a few months.” Ten sighs scornfully as he slides open the closet doors within the room that Donghyuck will be staying in for the next few weeks. He neatly removes a stack of sheets and what seems to be a bed cover (Donghyuck isn’t quite sure, Johnny always said that they were all the same) before placing them on the foot of the day bed in the corner of the room.

“Don’t remind me that I’m growing old.” Donghyuck whispers softly before he pokes at the pile of cloth, it’s got a modern floral print to it that he’s sure Ten got based on seeing something similar from some old movie. He frowns, he didn’t expect much else from the older man anyways.

“That hurt Haechan, you do know that you’re a literal child in comparison to us right?” Johnny feigns hurt, he places a hand on his left chest dramatically as he closes his eyes shut to theatricize the matter even further causing Ten to groan in dissatisfaction before exiting the room with muttered complaints in an array of discernible languages.

“Hyung, you’re not that old.” Donghyuck whines as he lays his head on a pillow, the sides are frilly and all he wants to do is pull out a pair of craft scissors from the kitchen and snip them right off but he knows better than to get on Ten’s bad side like that.

“You just said that you feel old, and I’m 5 years older, so technically, you’re calling me old.” Johnny argues as flops down on the bed beside him, causing the bed to jolt due to sudden drop. The argument is fruitless and they both know it, but they continue on because they find comfort in their useless banter, a distraction from the reality they live in.

A part of Donghyuck wishes that Mark will never read his letters and yet another part of him wants him to so that they could get this whole thing over with, and a different side of him wishes he had done this in person instead. There are many things that Donghyuck regrets but meeting Mark Lee will never be one of them.

☆

“Why do you hate Mark-hyung so much?”

The question surprises Donghyuck, he’s appalled that Jeno would dare whisk up such a brazen assumption about him. His mouth is agape and Jaemin, who’s finishing up his Social Studies essay, places his pen down on the pillow and shakes his head in disapproval. Surely, Jisung disagrees with Jeno’s bold inquiry, but Donghyuck was wrong of course for the youngest male was biting his lip in anguish.

“I don’t!” He says, trying to brush off the matter as he springs to his feet. Donghyuck doesn’t think he can stand another minute of being stared down by Jaemin for abandoning his History paper.

“Then why do you tease him mercilessly when he mixes up some words?” Jaemin scoffs as he rips off another sheet of composition paper, careful not to shred the edges.

Jisung remains solemn, he’s too busy attempting to finish a set from his Advanced Math workbook. He only dares to speak to ask Jeno for advice concerning the problems he’s uncertain of. So Donghyuck fails his attempt to garner his support against Jeno and Jaemin’s crusade for his apparent hatred for Mark.

“He’s just awfully ignorant.” Donghyuck whines in complaint, his History homework is crumpled beyond measure so he eyes Jeno down, hoping that the latter would let him copy  
his work. He fails once more.

“Do your own work, you always peek at mine.” Jeno mutters, his cheeks are flushed and it’s not because of the excess sugar from the half empty can of milk soda beside him. His words have a source of truth, the proof lies within the two essays pinned on the dorm fridge, one of his and one of his Donghyuck’s, with a teacher’s note wedged in between indicating how their works were far too similar to be done individually.

The dorm fridge is a thing of wonders really, a mosaic of the trainees’ most embarrassing and cultivating moments. Donghyuck’s personal favorite object on there is this awful picture of Ten with his red highlights that he found while perusing a manager’s laptop for the new trainees and their profiles. Mark had started a petition to remove it after becoming closer with Ten, but obviously the petition failed miserably with what Doyoung’s constant scathing remarks and Taeil’s lone signature on the piece of paper.

“Plus you always shit on Mark-hyung.” Jisung chirps, catching the three older boys by surprise. Donghyuck grits his teeth and clenches his hand into a fist, allowing his nails to pierce his skin, leaving crescents on honey and tan.

☆

To call Renjun an ex-boyfriend would be somewhat of a disservice to the Chinese man, because Renjun has been it all. They’re soulmates through and through, but perhaps not in the romantic sense that they thought had been possible last year. And according to the group chat amongst the seven Dream members, he’s finally back in Seoul after 3 long and packed months of filming in the middle of nowhere, China.  
Considering how he’s taking the rest of the year off of anything really, and how his one year long English concentration program only begins in January, Donghyuck truly has nothing planned. Therefore making it easier for him than ever to plan out his life according to how everyone else is running theirs for the first time in his life. And although this is something new, it isn’t exactly something Donghyuck enjoys.

Because it’s been somewhat over half an hour since Donghyuck ordered his matcha espresso and it’s getting far too cold for his liking. But just as he’s about to ring up his best friend, a dark haired man with kind eyes bustles inside the cafe. Huang Renjun in his wholly actor glory is finally here and in his hand is a paper bag filled to the brim with Donghyuck’s favorite Chinese snacks, there are a few that he doesn’t quite love and he finds that it’s Renjun’s way of gifting Ten things without having to say much.

“Hi, I’m so sorry I’m late, my stuff got lost in the carousel thing at the airport and then there were the fans.” Renjun begins to ramble, a hand through his hair as the other removes the cloth mask from his face to reveal a disconcerted smile that has seemingly wiped off any remnant of disappointment in Donghyuck.

“It’s okay, seriously.” Donghyuck shakes his head to indicate there were no hard feelings between them. Not long after Renjun makes himself comfortable and a waitress hands him the menu book, a stout man walks inside, Manager Wu, who nods at him. Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say so he nods back too, it’s awkward but there is nothing to say.

“How was the flight?”

“Oh cut to the chase Lee Haechan, I know you’re about to ask for set drama.” Renjun rolls his eyes before he points at the image of a cinnamon roll and the typed inscribing of caramel macchiato to the server, of whom quickly jots down the order before dashing to the back. 

Now, Renjun has always been Donghyuck’s best friend, despite their faint cultural differences and constant bantering, they’ve always been connected to the hip from the moment Renjun entered the company. And although they don’t spend as much time together as they used to, they both know each other better than they’d ever dare to admit. And after being practically brothers for a decade, Renjun also knows that Donghyuck is an absolute sucker for gossip.

So Renjun shares stories over bites of bread and sips of coffee, he tells Donghyuck all about the on-set drama that had occurred during the few months he was in Qishan recording a spinoff to the Untamed, an immensely popular Chinese (“Gay! It’s gay.” “Alright, it’s gay.”) Drama that had begun to gain a cult following in the late 2010s. Something that had been bringing quite a lot of attention to Renjun from outside the Kpop fanbase that he had built for himself through NCT. 

Some of the insults that Renjun recalls don’t quite translate as well as the former male had intended but Donghyuck gets the gist of the beef with much ease. He asks about whether Wang Yibo really is, that ethereal and to which Renjun merely nods in response, not wanting to spare the details despite Donghyuck’s conspicuous hinting.

“How was wearing the wig?” Donghyuck pertains suddenly as Renjun is in the middle of telling an elaborate story that involved a prank war between the female and male cast members during the second month of filming. There’s no one else in the cafe, less the baristas and even so, there wasn’t anything scandalous being shared either.

“What?” Renjun inquires with much confusion before allowing the question to register in his mind, and when it does, he snaps his fingers with much excitement, “Well, to be quite honest, it was horrific, it was so hot all the time and the threads were like sticking to my neck at all times, everytime we finished filming, I just wanted to rip it out of my scalp.”

Renjun’s words are blase and straight to the point, just like the male himself, albeit the fact that his Korean is a tad bit more stiff than usual, he still manages to get his point across. Despite all this, Donghyuck can’t find it in him to tease the Chinese man about it either, considering how Renjun had just spent the past while completely immersing himself in another language.

“That sounds like something from a nightmare.” Donghyuck comments without much thought, he’s on his third matcha flavoured drink and he’s no where near stopping.

“Well, now I know how Johnny-hyung felt during Wakey Wakey.” Renjun adds as he stirs his glass, there’s only foam left and he looks longingly at the drink, “Except just for like 12 weeks straight, who would’ve thought being a cultivator from the Lan clan would take this much patience?”

“Hey, do you want another drink?”

“What for?” 

“You’ve been stirring that empty cup for the past fifteen minutes.”

“Manager Wu’s literally right over there.”

“Renjun, you’re twenty five.” Donghyuck deadpans, he knows that the Chinese male in front of him is only a few months older but it feels so much easier saying the number when it’s describing someone else and not you.

“I know but I have this calorie quota thing to follow for the next drama I’m going to be in-”  
Renjun dismisses his valid statement before proceeding to loom at Donghyuck’s injeolmi latte with the utmost want.

“Another one already?”

“Haechan!”

And everyone stares, well if the three other people inside the premises are considered, because Renjun isn’t smiling anymore, he’s concerned if anything. His big brown eyes are filled with concern and he wants to say something except he can’t, because Donghyuck never wants to talk about himself, he never does anymore.

“What?”

“You keep hopping from topic to topic, are you okay?” Renjun begins, he’s stopped fumbling with the paper towel that’s lined beside the fork and knife that he had used to neatly cut up his cinnamon roll, “I know it might not seem like it but, we have time.”

Donghyuck doesn’t answer and instead he turns to face the street, it’s empty and there’s nothing to stare at, there’s nothing to throw him off the loop.

“Is it about Mark?”

In the very brief and rather regretful few months that Donghyuck had dated Renjun, he had confessed something that he had kept for far too long. And that’s when things ended, obviously it ended amicably because frankly, Renjun would not be here right now if it had gone south. But in the aftermath of their relationship, Donghyuck had begun to feel some relief and clarity in his life for the first time in a long time. 

A sense of honesty and coming clean, sure he had come out of the closet to his friends and family years and years ago, but to finally say hey, I’ve been in love with one of my best friends for the past god knows how long, it’s different. It’s different because telling the world means that people are going to judge your every interaction with them, past, present and in the future. Donghyuck doesn’t know if he can accept living in uncertainty whether things are going to change and for better or for worse.

But he’s glad that Renjun hadn’t judged him that poorly, had listened to him and had given space and advice that he never thought he needed. Donghyuck crosses his fingers and prays that the same will be bestowed upon him once again.

“Kind of, I gave him the letters.”

☆

“Donghyuck-ah, do you want some pear?” His mom offers from outside the door, to which he sighs in response, he knows that she’ll bring forth a mountain of fruit if he refuses anyways. It’s one of the things he used to absolutely despise about his mother but after being away from home for so long, he truly doesn’t mind.

“Sure mom.” He answers as cheerfully as he can, he really isn’t in the mood to talk but he knows that if he ever so dares to frown, he also knows that he isn’t ready for the endless fussing that comes after. Donghyuck knows his mom’s antics like the back of his hand whether he likes it or not, on the other hand he doesn’t want to call upon them either.

The footsteps heading down are loud and are courtesy to his mom’s home slippers, the fuzzy pink bunny ones he had sent over a year ago, bought during his very brief visit to Yeosu during a particularly long weekend. Donghyuck never received much so a thank you from his mom but he knows that she still appreciates his gesture in her own way. He knows this from the fact that she had refused to tire them despite the worn in rips that had begun to appear.

A few minutes later, the door opens without any warning, his mother enters, expertly balancing a plate of sliced pears, apples and unpeeled Jeju oranges, his absolute favorite. They chat and bicker as they eat the fruits on the bed, (An abnormality but considering how it’s his first visit home since his debut earlier in the year, his mother chooses to look a blind eye.) Donghyuck occasionally shows her pictures that he had taken throughout the past few months, conscientiously as to avoid flashing the memes and odd pictures sent from the various group chats he was a part of.

There’s one of Renjun and him making Shin ramen at midnight (“Son, you shouldn’t eat instant food that often, it’s horrible for your health!”) then it quickly changes to one of Chenle falling asleep on his Beginner’s Guide to Korean textbook (“He works so hard, he should rest more.”) and another of Johnny, Ten and Jaehyun conversing animatedly in English. (“Those two in the corner look like they’re dating.” “Sure mom, haha.” Some things are just better left unexplained.) 

It’s calming really, Donghyuck thinks, to be able to talk to his mom in person after so long. He feels like it’s a dream to be able to eat her home cooked meals once again. Donghyuck finds peace in being able to talk to someone who doesn’t understand the grit and pain of being in the limelight at 16, he rediscovers fondness as his mom reminisces on memories of him as a toddler, some of him at the playground, some at school.

It feels nice to take his mind off of the less than beautiful aspects about being in NCT as he tries his utmost best to show his mom all of the hidden and treasured bits about the past year. Donghyuck places his head on his mother’s lap and allows her to run her fingers through his tuft of hair, it’s curlier now that it’s not straightened to infinity. She sighs as her hands touch her son’s burnt and bleached hair, Donghyuck wants to say something but he remains mum at the sight of his mother’s bleak expression.

“You’re not going to ask about Mark?”

At the mention of his group member’s name, his mother’s face lightens up slightly. Mark’s always been his mother’s favorite amongst his friends. Donghyuck supposes that being bilingual, clever, polite, attractive and ever so diligent allows him to be the apple of many eyes. 

“Yah, you didn’t show any pictures of him.” His mother complains as she plucks a particularly frizzy string of hair from his head much to his dismay, “He’s so handsome, you know?”

There is a long list of reasons why Donghyuck hasn’t shown his mother any portraits of Mark Lee, he could say that Mark’s the one who’s always behind the camera not in front of it, or he could say that Mark was really not photogenic at all. These aren’t lies per se, but they aren’t the truth either. 

“Uh he just didn’t want to be in any of them.”

“Donghyuck.” His mother warns as she tries to fish the mobile phone from her son’s grip much to his avid protesting.

“Alright, alright.” Donghyuck murmurs as he pulls open his gallery and begins to scroll through with the speed of light, finally clicking on one of the seven members of Dream, which obviously included Mark. 

It had been taken the night before their debut as they were running through the hoverboard segment of Chewing Gum, it had taken a lot of practice but they all finally worked it out. All of them looked exhausted but Mark had still managed to grin widely as he displays a thumbs up from both of his hands, he was the only one of them that had debuted already. He knew the pain, he knew the process and he would be there to guide all of them through.

“What were you guys doing here?”

“Practicing.”

Well to be quite exact, they had just finished practicing and were playing Truth or Dare as they waited for the choreographer to sign them off as prepared. And what Donghyuck refuses to state, it’s the exact moment after he had chosen to come out of the closet and tell his friends that he’s not as straight as he thought he was.

☆

There are hundreds of things that Donghyuck can list out with his fingers that he misses about his life before, the glitz and the glamour, the sense of importance as he walked down the hallways at music shows, being able to be on stage and just exist as he is. An especially shining star in the midst of many others. But Donghyuck would also be lying if he were to say that he appreciated certain changes over others.

For one, he’s glad that he can finally eat cake.

“Quit stuffing your face Haechan!” Ten’s voice pierces his thoughts as he stabs the slice of devil’s food cake, there are specks of chocolate and raspberry jam decorating the corner of his lips. He doesn’t realize that he’s nearly finished the entire plate. “I haven’t even tried it yet and this is my cake.”

“First of all, this is Johnny-hyung and your cake.” Donghyuck snaps as he points his fork at Ten’s face, the older man taken aback as he pushes back his pair of spectacles. “And this isn’t that good.” He adds before shoving the plate to him without much thought.

“You say that it isn’t that good but you finished a good three quarters of it.” Ten says shaking his head as he snatches the utensil from Donghyuck’s grip, he picks at the untouched segment of the cake and nibbles at it slowly before frowning. “There’s jam on this.” He says bitterly before gingerly placing the fork back down on the mahogany table.

“You’re too fucking picky, we’ve had 7 slices, of your choosing-” Donghyuck sighs as he slams his head back but before he can say anything else, the Thai man manages to quickly interject his thoughts.

“Quit acting as if you’re not secretly pleased that you can eat this much cake.” Ten states bluntly, it’s his turn to point the fork at Donghyuck, “Something’s wrong, talk.”

“No.”

“Jaehyun-ah, make him talk-” Ten practically shouts before Donghyuck clamps his own palm over the other’s mouth to prevent him from saying anything else that could potentially fuck him over. 

Jaehyun shifts from behind, he’s trying to admire the atmosphere of the quaint little shop but his eyes keep stealing glances at the freshly made milk cakes that the bakery staff are rolling out from the back. Donghyuck notices this and even he can’t help but salivate, intently staring at the jewel-like berries ornate the surface of the cake, tucked between ribbons of freshly made whipped cream. 

“Yeah?”

Jaehyun’s always like that, the peace-maker, the middleman and mediator of all the arguments within the group. But now that they’ve left the nest, his position oddly enough chooses to remain. His eyebrows begin to furrow as he glares at the pile of dirty plates that have accumulated beside his two friends before he takes a seat between the two of them.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Hyung! I’m fine, seriously.” Donghyuck mutters without much hesitation, it’s not like he can take the conversation he had with Renjun out of his head. “I can’t believe you’re siding with him.” He adds with a childlike scowl, one of much carelessness and laced with ignorance.

“No, you’re not and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I have to agree with Ten-hyung here.” 

“Hey! I take full offense of that.” Ten frowns before slapping Jaehyun’s leather clad shoulder with a towelette from the table, painting his jacket a pastel blue tint from all the lavender frosting that dotted the paper. Ten cups his mouth but before he can utter an apology, the man exhales solemnly before wiping it off with a wet tissue. 

“As I was saying, you’re evidently not okay.” Jaehyun begins, his words are hesitant but Donghyuck is curious with what he has to say with the fact that the older man never truly dared to interfere with their dilemmas unless deemed worthy in his humble opinion. “Are you getting restless?” 

“What do you mean restless?” Donghyuck pertains, tilting his head onto his shoulder.

“I mean, you look bored of having nothing to do, I mean with what your schedule used to be and what it is now.”

Jaehyun isn’t wrong and he figures it’s about time they start to talk about how dauntingly dull and empty their days are. But on the other hand, all that Donghyuck wants to do is to clamp his mouth shut and pretend that he’s okay and that he’s cherisihing all the luscious free time he now has. He shouldn’t complain, this is what he asked for, right?

“Yeah. Kind of.” 

Donghyuck’s not quite sure why he responds honestly though, maybe his subconscious took over momentarily. 

“We all are, you know? We’re so used to having everything on two times speed, I think it’s about time that we take a breather, pause for a bit.” Jaehyun says matter-of-factly, Donghyuck’s not quite sure how his hyung has suddenly accumulated so much wisdom but he’s not about to question it as he steals the plate from under Ten’s nose only for him to begin stabbing it again.

Needless to say, Donghyuck is no fan of confrontations.

“Pause, did you just quote Mark’s SuperM teaser?” Ten scoffs as he sneers at Donghyuck who’s proceeded to picking at the crumbs of the once decadent chocolate cake with much vigor as he always does when things don’t go his way.

“Possibly.” Jaehyun shrugs his shoulders before attempting to discreetly wink at Donghyuck jokingly before proceeding to be caught by Ten with much disappointment.

“Speaking of Mark Lee, you have not talked about him at all in the past.. 3 months.” Ten snaps before Donghyuck has the opportunity to evade the topic at hand as he has been for the past while. 

“Once again, we’re not fighting.” Donghyuck sighs before preparing to repeat his typical speech of excursion (“I want some space from him, I mean we’ve been stuck in the hip for the past millenia practically! You also know I happen to absolutely detest..”)

“We know that.” The two older men chant at once, they seem fradulent about having this conversation with the younger for what seems to be the millionth time.

“It’s just, we’re worried. You seem really anxious, like you’re waiting for something.” Ten announces, his cheeks are flushed and he seems rather abashed now that he’s stating his affection for his former group mate and younger brother-like figure. “And you’re not even talking about it with your actual best friend.”

“Ten-hyung’s right you know?”

“I know.”

“Then talk to him, he misses you too, he’s always going on about ‘Donghyuck this’ and ‘Donghyuck that’ whenever he calls.” 

“I can’t.” Donghyuck whines exasperatedly, beads of sweat are starting to form on his forehead and he doesn’t have the willpower to wipe them off with the sleeve of his mustard yellow sweater.

“Why no-“

“Because it’s about him, okay?” Donghyuck hiccups as the truth begins to flow out like magma out of a searing volcano, like a dew-coated flower inbloom during the springtime and most importantly like the confession that it is. “It’s about him.”

☆

It’s a lonely Christmas this time around, the only parcel addressed to a Lee Haechan, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, is a hefty plain paper brown parcel. It’s a letter from his siblings, it’s sweet and comforting, it’s been a while since he’s seen their handwriting on ink, it’s been years since he’s gone over their schoolwork for mistakes and errors. Donghyuck finds solace in the spelling errors that his brother had made as he wrote the letter, stating how much they miss him and hope to see him somehow. They tell him that things are slowly getting better and that their parents would speak to him soon, that they could feel it.

Donghyuck had only chuckled then as tears began to fall down from his eyes.

“Hey, you okay?” 

There’s something about Mark’s voice that sounds different, maybe it’s the fact that he’s slightly hung over or maybe it’s the fact that it’s quite literally three in the morning and Donghyuck’s pillow is still drenched. 

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asks as he makes his way inside Donghyuck’s room, it’s desolate and cold, something that wouldn’t describe the room if Johnny’s presence had been there. But he’s out with the rest of the older members to drink, or maybe he’s at some club, Donghyuck was not apart of that conversation.

“No.” Donghyuck repeats himself, it’s Christmas and he’s alone again. He’s always found the contrast between being surrounded by a million shining stars during holiday Music Shows and being by himself in his dorm room daunting. But it’s never been so upsetting like it is right now.

He’s not sure why Mark had chosen to stay home instead when he’s an adult and has been for the past year and he could clearly have gone out with the rest but he doesn’t ask. Not even when the Canadian man chooses to flick on all the lights in the room and blind his eyes. Donghyuck doesn’t flinch and he doesn’t say anything, not as he clings onto the piece of school composition paper in his hand. It’s crumpled and it’s hard to make out the words now with the ink smudging together but it doesn’t matter, Donghyuck knows each and every word by heart.

“Okay then.” Mark answers, his glasses are askew and they remain on the edge of his nose, Donghyuck just wants to push them back but he can’t find the strength to do so. Not even as Mark switches off the lights and crawls into the space beside him, allowing fervor to flood him and although it doesn’t work as well as a hug from his mother would be, it’s enough.

And before Donghyuck gets the chance to complain, he hears Mark not-so gently remove his spectacles and place them on the table on his side of the bed, the sound of frames clattering against the wooden desk sobering above anything. Donghyuck can sense a burst of light as Mark unlocks his phone and scrolls through his Spotify playlists before finally landing on a random Western song, one that Donghyuck’s sure he’s heard before on one of Ten’s mixes. It’s reassuring and although he isn’t one hundred percent sure what the lyrics say, he knows that it’s allaying beyond measure. 

“What’s this song called?” He asks, penchant and tired, his hiccups are getting worse but he doesn’t want to reach out to get his glass of water on the other side. 

Mark doesn’t respond for a while, instead relaying the plain yellow tinted cup to Donghyuck’s hand with much ease, “It’s something from Ten-hyung’s playlist.”

So he was right.

“I know it is, I’m not stupid.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes as he straightens his back and leans it against the headboard, and as he’s between sips of water he questions again, “What’s the song called?” 

“I’ll tell you if you tell me what’s wrong with you.”

Touche.

“There’s always something wrong with me, no?”

Well two can play that game.

“Donghyuck.” Mark warns, but he’s not angered, he’s sad, he could be anywhere else in the dorm considering they’re the only ones left at home but he’s here. He cares.

Donghyuck bites his tongue.

“My siblings sent me a letter.” 

“Oh.”

A moment of inarticulateness passes by, and the song starts again but Donghyuck doesn’t complain, it consoles him in a way that he doesn’t expect a song to, the singer’s voice isn’t particularly special (On another night, he would’ve stated that Taeil-hyung could easily outsing him in his sleep but today, today’s not that kind of night.) but it gives him hope in a way, after all isn’t that what songs are supposed to do? He finds it ironic how he’s entering his fourth year as a singer and he still doesn’t know.

“What did they say?” Mark asks, he’s trying his best to coax a conversation from Donghyuck but of course, this could all end in no avail so he tries, so slow, that it probably would’ve infuriated others. But it’s Mark, the golden boy, the pro-debuter, the one with so much patience. The one that Donghyuck loves.

“They told me how things are, you know since my mom and dad told them to stop contacting me for the time being as they ‘figure things out’.” Donghyuck begins, his fingers air quoting the latter part of his statement, he says it so lightheartedly, one might think that he’s joking to begin with. But Donghyuck is not joking, he’s broken. “They told me they missed me and that they’re proud of me.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Well it’s more than you’ve ever complimented me.” Donghyuck retorts sarcastically as he rolls his eyes in annoyance causing Mark to grin and throw an arm around his shoulders. Obviously his heart begins to race and all he can hope is for his cheeks not to follow suit and burn scarlet.

“Oh shut up, you’re already so full of yourself.”

“As I should be.”

They laugh at that and Donghyuck lets his head fall onto Mark’s left shoulder, it feels safe there, to be so close that he can trace the pattern of his breathing, to feel his warmth. Looking back, Donghyuck has never felt so at peace before.

“Anything about your parents?” Mark inquires solemnly after they quit giggling like children. Of course he had to ruin the moment with the uncalled inquisition. 

“Yeah, they said that they’re slowly coming to terms with it.” Donghyuck nods as he fixes his stance, allowing himself to slouch back to his original position, detaching himself from Mark means less warmth but he doesn’t want to get too close either.

“That’s great though!” Mark exclaims loudly, a bright grin on his lips, he’s much more cheery than Donghyuck had ever expected him to be but he takes it, because it’s been a while since he’s wanted to smile too. “I hope they come to our Seoul concert in the new year.”

“Me too.” Donghyuck sniffs as he elongates his arm to pick up a tissue from Johnny’s bedside table, he blows his nose before throwing the paper towel to the ground, along with the several dozen that decorated the wooden panels like stars in the sky, just much less poetic and artistic of course.

“You really have to give your heart a holiday.”

“Huh?”

“You’re too hard on yourself, this year has been hard, for both you and for me, but we’re here right?” 

Mark’s words are always so sincere, there’s a faint line that’s drawn between the things he says on broadcast and what he says in person. Donghyuck admires how fragile and bare Mark has allowed himself to be in front of the cameras, he wants to be that honest, but he’s not sure whether he’ll ever be able to without the judgement and pain that comes along with being gay in the eyes of the Korean media.

“Yeah.”

“Well, you have to give yourself some credit, you finally ripped off the bandaid.” Mark shrugs as he begins to pick at his nails, avoiding Donghyuck’s appraising glare.

“But this wasn’t how I wanted to come out of the closet, you know?”

“We don’t always get what we want, sometimes we have to work with what we’ve got.”

“Since when did you get so wise?” Donghyuck snorts as he chooses to look at Mark in the eyes, it’s clear to tell that the older boy is tired too, he’s got heavy bags underneath his eyes and his lips are chapped and dry. Between flying from country to country on a weekly basis, there simply hasn’t been enough time to take a deep breath and relax for either of them.

Mark chuckles again in response, “Seriously, you’ve done so much, take some credit, time will heal the rifts between you and your parents.”

And Mark isn’t wrong, because when Donghyuck sends five tickets to his mother’s email for the Neo City Seoul dates in early January, she sends a thumbs up and a screenshot of five plane tickets headed to the big city the week before.

“I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but I want you to know that I’m proud of you, Hyuck.” 

It’s been so long since anyone’s called him that and Donghyuck thinks he’s a fool for smiling at the mention of his birth name.

“Thanks, but seriously what’s that song called?”

“Man!”

Donghyuck finds a slip of paper underneath his pillow in the morning.

_Strawberries n cigarettes_

☆

“So, how’d you like your tuxedo..?”

To say that Donghyuck is desperate for Johnny to talk to him again seems like an understatement because the taller man is absolutely mum. Admittedly, confessing his decade long crush to Ten and Jaehyun over cake without him might not have been the best decision he could’ve made based on how close they are, or were considering the state of things. On one hand, Donghyuck feels exasperably betrayed by Ten’s treachery but on the other hand, he can’t help but think that he should’ve told Johnny this years ago. Maybe then things would’ve gone down differently.

“It’s great, anything Ten chooses is great really.” Johnny mutters before turning his head back to his laptop, he’s typing away an application to a conceivable landlord and has his utmost focus in trying to piece together the proper English words to the sentence he’s stuck on.

Donghyuck knows that the moment Jaehyun had dropped them off at the flat, Johnny had returned to his original state of silence. He can’t bear the lack of luster that usually flows throughout the apartment, the vibrant colors that come with his daily banter with Ten that usually ends with Johnny siding with him just to tease his fiance a bit more. Now that’s all gone.

“Hyung, I’m sorry.” The younger man tries as he balances his phone on his palm, chary not to let it fall on his lap, anything to avoid eye contact.

“No, you’re not, and you don’t have to be.”

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck questions, he’s taken aback but he tries not to show it.

“You liking Mark is great, well not really considering he’s dating someone but great, seriously.” Johnny states as he pushes back his chair and examines the contents of his navy mug, the dregs of his morning coffee remain dry and gritty just like today.

“It’s just, I can’t help but feel like I could’ve done more to let you know that I was there for you.” He chuckles as he gets up from his position and walks to the kitchen, eyes droopy and sunken behind the frames of his copper rimmed spectacles. “Twelve years? Wow.”

“Hyung.” 

These days it seems like that’s the only word Donghyuck knows.

The sound of the coffee machine grinding fills the meandering space between them and all Donghyuck wants to do is to pull the plug and return back to the lull they shared. Johnny notices this, of course he does, because the older man stares at him as he stirs his steeping cafe au lait with much patience, careful not to drip any on the white carpet beneath his feet. 

“We should talk.” 

Donghyuck wants to argue, he wants to beg and apologize like a child, like the person that he was when this whole mess started but he can’t. He’s turning twenty-five whether he likes it or not, the world is moving on and he has to too. But why does moving on and facing reality have to be so harsh? Why does he have to put himself head-first into the freezing cold water when he can dip his toes in the pool? 

There are many questions that he doesn’t have the answers to, but if he doesn’t start tackling them, he won’t ever know. So Donghyuck opens his mouth.

“Okay.”

Johnny grimaces, he hadn’t expected the younger man to even considerate his proposition. He takes a minute sip from his cup as he scrunches together his eyebrows, head filled to the brim with thoughts, unspoken but just.

“So, how’d you find out that you liked him?” 

It’s such a simple inquiry but Donghyuck doesn’t know the specific answer because there isn’t one. Falling for Mark wasn’t something that had happened overnight, if anything, he wasn’t even sure he’d even liked the older for the longest time. Maybe it was that final practice before their debut, perhaps it was that one night they shared together right after he got outed to his parents? 

Feasibly speaking, it could’ve been the last time he’d seen him, that afternoon when Mark had come to collect the last of his things before embarking on a month long journey with his girlfriend to North America. There isn’t a singular moment Donghyuck can pinpoint because he can’t remember a time when he wasn’t in love with him.

“I don’t know, I’d just always known, I think I’ve always liked him, I just never realized that I did.” 

“Hmm, I don’t know if it’s time for me to crack a joke but, is it because of those fics..?” 

“Oh shut up hyung!” Donghyuck whines as he flings a sequined magenta throw pillow at the older man, “I thought we were going to have a serious conversation.”

“I was only trying to lighten up the mood.” Johnny chuckles as he places his mug down on his desk before shutting off his laptop, the sound of the Macbook whirring fills the gap between them, dragging the both of them together in the sound of something that isn’t their voices. “Well, what did you like about him?”

“This is so awkward.”

“It is, but that’s kind of the point of it.”

“Would you rather hear Ten screaming about-” 

“Anyways.” Donghyuck interrupts Johnny’s statement before crossing his legs on the couch, nesting himself between the flurry of florid and gaudy cushions that the older man’s fiance had taken the deliberation in handpicking at some antique market they visited a month prior. “It’s how he’s so him.”

“Haechan, anyone can say that.”

“Yeah, but they don’t know him like I do.”

Donghyuck propells a vibrant sunset orange bolster at Johnny’s lap as the older man feigns an expression of disgust from his positionat the makeshift desk area they’ve created in the empty space between the kitchen and living room.

“Okay, so prove your case, Haechan Lee.” Johnny announces promptly as he slouches his back to his seat, both his legs and arms folded smugly. But despite his flushed ears, Donghyuck straightens his back, if Johnny wanted to play this game, then so be it.

“It’s the way that he’s practically the same person on-screen and in our everyday, it’s the way he still laughs that stupid laugh he has in front of cameras. It’s the way he doesn’t mind going bareface on lives, it’s the way he greets all of our fans with respect even when he’s having a crap day.”

“Oh-“

“I’m not yet done.” Donghyuck clears his throat, his cheeks are starting to burn red but he’s gotten far too deep into this to tap out, “It’s the way he‘s never really screamed at me even when we’re arguing, it’s the way that he was there for me when I was going through that coming out crap before our first tour, it’s the way that he’s been such a constant star in my life, through Dream, through 127, through all of that.” 

“Hae-“

“It’s Donghyuck.”

“Oh.” 

Donghyuck can see the look of disappointment in Johnny’s face, painted in the creases on his forehead and shadows under his eyes. He doesn’t think he can use that name anymore. Lee Haechan is the boy on stage, a naive, foolish boy who made people laugh, the boy who radiated confidence and self-love to the heavens and beyond. Haechan was the boy who fans flocked over, the polished and pristine prince, the fastidious figure that the world thought of him as. 

That person is only a fraction of who Donghyuck is, and it’s time he takes back his name.

“I’m sorry hyung, it’s just I’ve been figuring a lot of things out lately.”

“Such as?”

“First of all, I think I have to talk to him, in person. The letters were a mistake, this whole thing was, I have to let him know, properly.”

“You do know that he’s only returning a week before our wedding?” Johnny quirks an eyebrow, he’s biting his lip with much fervor and doubt. His fingers tapping the surface of the cool mahagony table in front of me, following the rhythm of some song that Donghyuck’s certain he’s heard before a long time ago.

“I’ll tell him before your wedding.”

“What-“ Johnny pertains as he jolts up, he does so a tad bit too swiftly as it causes his chair to spin to the ground. He stares at it for a second before bending his back to pick it up, much to his own demise.

“Hear me out!” Donghyuck insists, he rises from the couch and walks over to Johnny’s desk, placing his right palm in front of the monitor that takes up much of the space on the cluttered table.

“You do know that if it doesn’t end well or perhaps too well, Ten will literally throw the biggest fit.” 

“Okay then, I’ll tell him at the end of it, like after all your shenanigans and after you leave. We’re taking the cleanup shift, remember?” Donghyucks insists, his left hand making grand gestures that divulge the flow of his plan, he hopes that with an extra boost of his own ego that the older man will eat up his words. “Or maybe a day after? I haven’t worked out the quirks yet.”

“Well, okay then..”

“What do you mean okay?” Donghyuck humphs, he’s taken aback by Johnny’s immediate response, he had anticipated at least thirty minutes of banter before one of them chooses to retire to another section of the cramped flat. “We’re supposed to argue?” 

“No, we’re not.” Johnny chortles, he pats his hand on the younger man’s shoulder before folding his arms in bemusement, “You’re twenty-five and I trust you to make your own decisions, as long as you’re certain that they won’t negatively impact anyone else.” 

“Hyung, you’re thirty and you crack fart jokes.”

“Yeah but I also can cook 5 basic meals, sign my fiance up for a green card and fix up my mortgage.” Johnny smiles his brightest grin, one that Donghyuck wants to wipe of the man’s face by chucking another throw pillow at him. “You can’t even do your own laundry, and for your information, I found another pair of pink briefs in your load because you didn’t separate white and the others.”

Donghyuck is dumbfounded to say the very least.

“So as long as you don’t mess up my memory of my wedding, you can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“Are you going to tell-”

“Donghyuck, do I look like I want to not get married?” Johnny sighs as he stirs his cup of coffee, the name feels foreign as it rolls of his tongue, he hasn’t said it in years and it feels unfamiliar, “I’ve been waiting for this for the past decade, so as long as you don’t mess it up, I’ll pretend that I don’t know anything about your plan.” 

“I just hope this doesn’t blow up on me.” Donghyuck comments, fingers combing through a cascade of his tangled dark chocolate locks, “Confessing my feelings for my straight best friend of the past twelve years at my hyungs’ wedding, there are just so many ways this can blow up on me.” 

“Well-“

“Well what?”

“You know what? That’s not my truth to tell.” Johnny mutters before settling back to his seat before he points a figure at Donghyuck, “I just want you to know that you’re an adult now and that you have to start figuring things out by yourself. You don’t need to cross-check with me or anyone else, you’re your own person.”

Donghyuck thinks it’s ironic that he’s still under the grasp of an invisible strings despite the fact that he’s five neighborhoods away from SM Entertainment’s Gangnam-gu office and 6 months from his last scheduled appearance on television. So there may be some things that he needs to figure out first.

☆

Fate seems to be on Donghyuck’s side, for the week before Ten and Johnny’s wedding seems to be jam packed to the ceiling for reasons that we all are aware of, namely Ten’s perfectionist tendencies. And as much as Donghyuck wants to complain about not being able to sleep for more than 8 hours a night (“You’ve been sleeping 10 hours a day for the past five months, you can live with this.” Ten scoffs as he helps Donghyuck carry his suitcase up to Jaehyun and his girlfriend’s apartment, “There, you’ll be disturbing another couple so this one, can finally get a break.”) he’s convinced that he’s going to drop dead any minute now.

On the otherhand, Mark seems to be, alright. Maybe he’s gotten a bit tanner, a bit more built but Donghyuck sees no different, in his eyes, he’s still the same gangly fool he’s known for the past millennia. There’d be moments when he’d consider simply bursting the bubble but then he becomes the receiving end of what seems to be an attempt at a death glare from Johnny so he keeps his mouth pursed. This, however, is not as streneous of a task as he initially thinks, considering how often Taeyong has been stuffing his mouth with food everytime they meet. 

Despite all this, Donghyuck has questions. Why is Mark alone? Where is she? Now, Donghyuck is no child, he’s an adult for crying out loud, but he still thinks that he made it very clear that he would not be listening to anyone’s (Specifically Mark Lee’s, because no one likes heartbreak, right?) relationship wiles the moment he strolled through the doors of SM Entertainment’s rookie boys practice room. But most importantly, he wants to know why Mark Lee seems okay.

The answers come slowly, they come in the form of whispers from all the people around him. He hears from Doyoung’s drunken banter that he’d broken up with his Swedish (or was she Danish? Donghyuck still doesn’t know) girlfriend right after they got back from Vancouver, and that it had been a mutual decision to still remain friends. Donghyuck is unaware of what comes next because he’s whisked off again at Ten’s bachelor party to speak to older man’s sister to discuss decorations and florals once more. 

Chenle tries his best not to say anything at first but even the Chinese man can’t help but inform him that Mark’s finished recording his very first full-length solo album after a few glasses of wine too many. Then there’s the ever so illustrious Ten Lee himself, who finally informs him that he’s fully aware of Operation : Confession (“What the fuck- I didn’t call it that.” “This is my week, my rules.”) and that if he dares to pull shit before the party that he’s officially removed from his will. (“Was I even on it in the first place?” “Shut up, please.”)

Needless to say, Donghyuck is stressed and he doesn’t know whether he wants this week to come to a close now or never.

☆

“Fix your tie! I can’t believe you still can’t put it on properly by yourself.”

Of course, the wedding day comes forth eventually and to say that it’s off to a great start would be a hyperbole and a lie. For one, they’re all hungover from the night prior, with Kun still spewing the remnants of his pinot noir into the toilet bowl of his private villa the morning of and Ten being the groom-zilla that he is.

“Would you stop nagging at me hyung?” Donghyuck sighs as he tugs on the burgundy necktie, it’s been months since the last time he’s worn anything formal for this long and he is not pleased. 

But to say that it’s been a complete and absolute failure would also be an insult to Doyoung’s new-found capabilities in planning weddings. The consummation ceremony had gone better than Donghyuck could ever picture it in his mind and he wouldn’t be lying if he didn’t include the fact that he had wept a bit during Ten’s vows. He would also be lying if he hadn’t spared compliments at the widespread selection the caterers had provided (The picture of him stuffing his face with char-siu bao immortalized on Chenle’s Instagram story.) and how gratifying it felt to dig into the damned lavender lemon bread after the distinguished wedding cake slicing fiasco.

“Okay.” He nods promptly, apprehensive not to mess up his hair, his eyes continue to stare intently at the comprehensive and color coded list on his IPad, his lean fingers flicking through the pages of the digital document. 

Donghyuck wants to complain, to argue, at the obscurity of the situation and how foreign it felt. It seems like everyone’s started to grow up, to briskly follow the path of the au courant adjustments in their lives and for some reason Donghyuck can’t seem to let go, to bid adieu to the previous chapter of his life, constantly teetering between pages like a euphemistic seesaw.

Upon a brief glance at his wristwatch, Donghyuck deduces that he’s got fifteen minutes before the illustrious wedding dance commences and subsequently fifteen minutes before he absolutely has to rush under the main tent of the elaborately gilded garden that Doyoung chose to book much to Johnny’s enthusiasm and Ten’s reluctance. Despite the fact that he’d probably be in much better hands if he chooses to get there now, he opts to head to the refreshments table under one of the more secluded areas of the venue.

Upon exiting the canopy, Donghyuck discovers that the sun has begun to set, an alluring symphony of mandarin orange synthesizing with faint lavender and just like a Pollock painting, splattered with touches of salmon pink. Skies like this don’t exist in Seoul, not with millions of people packed like sardines in a can, pollution brimming in the air. And Donghyuck says this with his utmost love to the city of the morning calm (Ironic much?) as he motions at the bartender, a young man not much older than himself, to pour him a glass of champagne. 

It feels crisp in his mouth, instantly jolting awake from a day of running around tending to the grooms and their personal shenanigans (Now that’s a story for another time.) whilst listening to constant babble from all angles. Donghyuck revells as he takes another gulp of the liquid, golden hues reflecting from the dignified glass, the feeling of Italian summers present and demanding attention.

“Excuse me, can I have a glass?”

But of course, his train of thought is thrown off the rails upon the chilling listen of Mark Lee’s raspy voice. 

For a moment, Donghyuck considers slamming his flute on the bar and demanding a shot of whiskey, one that will burn his throat, clear his mind and bring forth unwanted consequences in the morning after. Alas, the bartender has left and so has everyone else to watch the first dance, and he is alone with Mark again. It’s been a while to say the least. 

“Donghyuck.” 

The name doesn’t sound abnormal or peculiar when it comes from him, after all it’s all that he’s called him in all the time they’ve known each other. Donghyuck finds that hearing his name roll from Mark’s tongue is the closest thing to coming home after being on the road again. 

“How have you been?” The question doesn’t feel out of place, it doesn’t feel like an anomaly in this lifetime, it feels like something that fits right into the grand scheme of things. Donghyuck is content with this conversation.

“I’ve been okay, I think I might’ve gained a few extra pounds from all the lazing around and cake sampling.” Donghyuck shrugs as he sips on his champagne patiently, in an attempt to not have to make any direct contact. “You? How was your trip?” 

“It was okay, it felt nice to go back and not actually have to be in front of cameras twenty-four/seven.” Mark laments as he taps his fingers on the surface without much thought, his words a melody that Donghyuck doesn’t think he can ever get used to.

“I heard you recorded an album right?” 

“Yeah, I did.” Mark nods fervently, his eyes brightening at the mention of his work, passion dripping from his words like the powder blue in the sky, “We stayed at New York for a month and I already had a few drafts so I just stayed at the studio at Rising to refine and hone it down.” 

“That’s great! Seriously.” Donghyuck forces out a smile, he’s sincerely glad that Mark’s found his place somehow in the midst of this maelstrom of decisions and opportunities, “When’s it out?”

“Not sure, but hopefully before the end of the year. I’m planning to stay a while here for now, tie up some loose ends before heading off, for good.” 

It’s painful, Donghyuck thinks, to let go of Seoul and all its glory. But on the other hand, they can’t continue to grasp at the roots of a city that was never theirs.

“You’re headed for California right?”

“New York actually, the office is there so it’ll be easier if I move there.” Mark corrects him, his tone casual and without that hint of condescension that’s always present in Ten and Doyoung’s words when they nag at Donghyuck. 

“You’re moving by yourself?”

Donghyuck knows the question about his relationship is something that they’ll have to eventually talk about, it’s inevitable to move on with the future without confronting the present to its fullest extent.

“Yeah, I will.” Mark acknowledges his statement, “I broke up with her, I think the rest might’ve told you.” His sentences are tense, firm and Donghyuck wants to ask more but he knows his limits, the boundaries that they’ve set for themselves as kids that they’ve maintained to this day.

“Yeah they did.” 

If this were a K-Drama, there would be absolute silence, complete solitude but this isn’t one, this is their real life and they get Byun Baekhyun crooning a Troye Sivan song from the main tent and the mismatched chatter of Korean and several other miscellaneous languages. 

“I think we have to talk.” Mark pierces through the gap within their conversation, he spares no time in cutting to the chase without much thought.

“Yeah, we do.” Donghyuck answers, ears tinged with crimson and cheeks dusted with puce. He avoids the older man’s gaze, opting to investigate the wonders of the marmalade horizon, wondering what lies beyond the layers of apricot and titian in his sight. 

“I read the letters.” Mark informs him, his right hand picking up his glass of Lamiable Les Meslaines, he swirls the auric liquid reflecting light from the setting sun like a makeshift prism. Donghyuck doesn’t have to look at him to make out how he’s glowing in the dusk as he contemplates how to format his words, how to structure his thoughts. “I think it’s my turn to speak.” 

Donghyuck opens his mouth to protest but before he can emit a single word, a lithe finger clamps his lips silencing him without much effort.

“I’m not angry and I don’t think I could ever be angry at you, Donghyuck. You know that, right?” Mark offers, his words seem sincere and the everlasting glint in his eyes is more prominent now than Donghyuck can recall. 

“I’d beg to differ.”

“Donghyuck.”

“I mean-”

“Donghyuck.” Mark warns hastily, but they both know that he’s not infuriated, just slightly miffed by the repetition of the statement.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I was a bit harsh in a few of them, and a bit too cheesy in several others. I was a kid writing most of them, I was still so clouded and I didn’t know all the prospects that life had to offer.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Mark exhales as he shifts his glass of champagne to the tray of used ones, seemingly done with consuming alcohol for the time being and choosing to remain sober for the rest of their conversation.

Donghyuck frowns but it’s clear that he’s uncomfortable, uncomfortable with the strange dynamics that they now share, the space he is in akin to foreign territory, he feels like the first man entering a new universe. 

But that’s what growing up is, it’s putting yourself in places you’re not used to, and adapting and striving to be able to live your life to the fullest no matter the circumstances.

“That’s not what I meant, I’m sorry for telling you earlier, and not telling you when we still had time.”

“You know I used to want that kind of easy going love story like Johnny and Ten have right? I wanted the fortune of having to go through heartbreak, of never experiencing unrequited love and to have my first boyfriend be my last. But I was wrong too, because their love isn’t perfect and so aren’t all the relationships the people around me are experiencing. Life isn’t like that, it’s unfair and cruel but we don’t want others to know that and that’s why we cover up.”

“Mark.” A faint mutter of a young boy would’ve said, “I love you.”

But Donghyuck is no longer a young boy, sure he’s still got his head amongst the clouds but he’s got his feet anchored to the pavement now.  
Things have changed.

“I still love you and I don’t think that’ll change, but for now, I need to figure out my path.”

“Do you know why I used to follow you around when we were trainees?” Mark finally speaks, he’s got a faint grin on his lips, it doesn’t take a fool much time to conclude that he’s proud of Donghyuck, of how far he’s come from the way his eyes are shining brighter now.

“I liked you too, silly.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck cups his mouth, his cheeks burning austere once more, he feels himself melt into the sunset, as feeble amaranthine and contingent dalia bloom into the evening sky.

“I was still confused with myself, I thought I was straight but apparently I wasn’t and frankly, I still haven’t quite figured it out yet. I told Johnny a while ago that I was bi-curious and he was really comforting, I haven't really told anyone else though.” 

“But you know, I’ve grown and you’ve grown too.” Mark smiles, it’s not the kind he flashes on TV, but the kind he paints on his lips during those sparse moments, like when he meets a fan who’s story hits home or when he’s saying thank you to the old lady at the porridge house near the practice studio when they were trainees. “We’re both at points where we know we can’t afford to place our roots down yet.”

“If we’re meant to be, then, our paths will intertwine and connect again that way. Life has its own way of working things out, as overused as the saying is, I think it’s true.”

“Thank you.” Donghyuck whispers after a moment, his left hand finds its way to Mark’s forehead, brushing a strand of hair from the man’s face, an action that he’s done a million times before but for some reason feels antithetic today for reasons he knows.

“You do know that Johnny and Ten are going to kill us for ditching their first dance?” Mark chastises Donghyuck hastily as he clasps his wrist and pushes it away, replacing it with his own on the younger’s cheek. 

“It’s okay.” Donghyuck smirks, raising his nearly empty flute and urging the older to pick one up, “This one’s for us, and for the roads we choose to take, right or wrong.” 

Mark sighs before following in suit and clinking his glass with Donghyuck’s, he watches as the younger gulp down the remnants of his drink as he stands in silence, lips leering ever so slightly.

“I’m glad you’ve given your heart a holiday, Hyuck.” He mutters ashenly in English, his words resonating with the song that plays in the far distance as he shakes his head with much ardency.

And although Donghyuck doesn’t say it out loud, he’s fully aware of what the older man has to say and for once he’s not going to protest or contest with his words. Because for the first time in a long time, Donghyuck’s got a handful of resfeber tucked in his pocket and he’s ready to finally flip the page to see what life has in store for him next.

☆

Dear Mark,

It’s 2025. That’s crazy to write, 2025. I know that our decision to leave was, difficult, to say the least, but I want to say thank you. You might’ve realized that all the other letters were filled with extreme emotions ranging from rage to just complete heads-over-heels in love, but, this one’s different. Because this will be my last and most important letter to you.

I’ll keep this brief, I have a meeting with Manager Jeon regarding paperwork and all that crap in a bit. So, where do I begin? I remember meeting you for the first time and just feeling so much, back then I brushed it off as being irked by your mere existence, but looking back, it’s so obvious how much I crushed on you. I’m sorry about that, sorry for spilling ketchup on your homework on purpose, sorry for giving you the wrong schedule on your first day of class. I didn’t know what I wanted.

But despite all that, you were still so, nice, albeit how often you followed me around after practice. Is that too cheesy? Maybe. But hey, you made it this far. I also wanted to thank you for, being there for me no matter how busy you were. I try not to think about it but that one night we spent just talking and looping that one song Ten-hyung likes, that meant a lot to me. I was so, lost? I was so frustrated with my siblings for breaking my trust and just telling my parents about the whole thing but I missed them so much, and yet you were there for me. This is going to make me sound so, silly, but whenever I’m just really stressed, I put that moment on repeat, like an everlasting snowglobe. So thank you for that, thanks for sticking around, for being my best friend, for being a huge part of my life.

For the longest time, I’ve always thought about how the last letter would be like. Would this chain of letters end with me still hopelessly in love, or with us together, or perhaps I’d fall out of love. It’s crazy how I had so many predictions but, I was ultimately, so wrong. I haven’t fallen out of love, yet I’m ready to take that leap. Take that leap that I’ve been waiting on for so long, I’m going to learn to love myself first.

It sounds fucking stupid but trust me, deciding that was a very liberating moment for me. I want to figure out myself, my life before I decide to pursue anything else. I’m still nervous, of course, but I want you to know that no matter how you choose to react to these letters, I will be okay. I’ll probably still cry no matter the outcome but I’ll pick myself up together because finally being able to tell you all this, is like a breath of fresh air on a chilly winter morning. Chilling but it wakes you up, from this facade of a lifetime.

I love you, Mark. But I don’t need you to love me back, now or never. Thank you.

\- Lee Donghyuck

☆

And as Donghyuck clutches his ticket tightly in his fist, he sighs a breath of relief as he soaks in the late California summer sunlight from his gateway at LAX, thinking only about how great an orange slushee from 7-Eleven would sound right now.

“Well, this is it now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I’m back with another addition to the Resfeber (Yes, I changed the series’ title because why not?) series. I chose to center on Markhyuck this time and I hope I didn’t do them too dirty hehe. Admittedly this isn’t my best work but I hope everyone enjoys it to a certain extent. And if you’re incredibly itched out over the ending, don’t fret! This isn’t the end of their story! I think I’m going to try and work on something lengthier for now but hopefully I’ll try and still upload once a month! And yes, the title is inspired by Troye Sivan’s Strawberries and Cigarettes! 
> 
> Find me on! [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ODETO10) and [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/gymewm6sqkr42wxfdibu8612e?si=pY85msJ-T6m5IpJJ-AO8kw)  
> 


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